The Passenger
In a recent conversation, one of my clients talked about the critical voice that follows her throughout her days as a passenger riding shotgun in her car. A passenger she would like to not only move into the backseat, but eject from the car entirely.
I loved naming it the passenger, since it speaks so clearly to an experience all of us have had at some point (and many do daily). A new take on the inner critic as a backseat driver who is along for the ride, adding constant commentary on where we should go, what to do, and criticizing us when we take a wrong turn.
Referencing Shirzad Chamin’s Positive Intelligence work (which focuses on self mastery over self sabotage), we talked about which saboteur was taking up real estate in her passenger seat. My client said it was likely the judge but there’s also a load of saboteurs jammed in the car for the ride (with the Stickler, Avoider, and Pleaser having the loudest voices).
When we think about our critical inner voices through this lens, how might we be able to hit the eject button? What would it look like to invite more positive voices in, and where might they take us?
Research tells us our brains have a negativity bias, where we give more weight to things that go wrong instead of things that go right. Since our brains tend to latch on to unfavorable thoughts and outcomes, it’s easier for us to be manipulated by negative inputs. Which, a lot of the time, can be coming from our own inner critics.
The voices we give airtime to in our minds – just like the passengers we invite into our cars – is ultimately up to us. Unwelcome inner critics will reliably surface, like an overly-protective friend who’s trying to guide us in the right direction. But they also tell us lies to make us doubt ourselves, feel crappy, and underestimate what we’re capable of.
It’s sad to say but sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are ourselves. By accepting these voices and what they’re telling us, we normalize them.
I want to be motivated by a voice telling me what possibilities are out there, not the reverse. We all do. Ultimately we achieve more and are happier when we come from a place of compassion for ourselves and others. So how do we kick the negative passengers to the curb and turn the seat over to the positive ones?
Pay attention to when the voices arise and when they are the loudest. This helps to identify the circumstances, people, or situations making you uneasy.
Dig into what’s behind the voice. Ask yourself is “What fear might be motivating this?” This will help you better understand what’s happening in your mind, and what you might need to tackle in order to turn down the volume.
Focus on your contributions versus what people think of you. The more attention you give to external expectations, the stronger the internal voices become.
Call out the lies you’re being told. Instead of accepting what you’re hearing, stand up to your inner bully and create your own story.
Gandhi said “I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.” Being aware of when negativity bias comes into our minds – and how we protect ourselves from “dirty feet” – means we need to hold ourselves accountable for what we let in from all sides.
Where might you be opening the door for negativity bias? And what deliberate steps might you take to escort it out and let the positive ones in?
