Understanding and Combating Perfectionism
Reflections on my conversation with Thomas Curran on last week’s episode of The Courage Effect, where he talks about his book, shares personal stories about how perfectionism impacted his life, and his larger research on the topic.
Perfectionism is something I’ve danced with for years.
The first time I opened my eyes to it was in a basement at NYU in my 20’s. I was editing 16mm film – sitting amongst reels of acetate film, cutting and splicing clips together while tossing shards of unwanted frames into the discard bin.
I was working on my team’s final project for the film program: a short called “Flour, Yeast, Water, and Salt.” We’d been filming it for weeks; running around the city with equipment, which was both fun and exhausting. As I learned the craft of filmmaking, I felt myself gravitating more to post-production - particularly editing. So when the team decided that I would take the lead on piecing our film together, I was thrilled as I headed to the basement to hunker down and weave what we’d shot into something coherent and (hopefully) beautiful.
While piecing together a tricky scene, I started to obsess over a tiny splice – literally less than a millimeter of film – having cut it off, taped it back on, and removing it again. My fingers were sticky from tape and I nicked my finger on the cutting blade, leading me to rummage through the first-aid kit for neosporin and a band-aid. It was at that moment of patching up my finger – along with the film – that I realized my need to tweak was stressing me out; my edits were only resulting in minuscule improvements. Who was going to notice, other than me? I was striving for some messed up sense of satisfaction that I had done everything I possibly could to “fix” it. To make it perfect.
The film turned out to be pretty decent. My team was happy, our professor complimented our work, and we headed to a bar to celebrate us completing the class. We toasted to our A’s and revelled in our last night together in the city.
The next morning I headed across town to meet one of my fellow filmmakers (let’s call him “Jim”) for coffee. As I traversed the long blocks heading east, I remember taking a pause. Thinking back to my weekend in the basement, how fixated I became on the editing, and started to realize this was a potentially dangerous pattern for me.
In talking to Jim about it, he mentioned I might be a perfectionist. He said it was one of the reasons he liked working with me - seeing it as an asset that drove me to produce high-quality work. Jim went further to say he wished he was a perfectionist as well, calling out his tendency to be messy and lazy. Yikes.
I laughed it off at the time, not putting much weight in his words. Jim was truly brilliant; one of the most creative people I knew. He challenged me to see everyday things differently, as if looking through a new lens (so it’s not surprising he ultimately became a cinematographer). Who cared if he was messy?!? We hugged goodbye, I packed up that night, and the word “perfectionist” ran on loop in my head as I flew home the next day.
This experience set the stage for me to better understand the tendencies stemming from my attention to detail – when I tended to over-index, and how present it was in my life. From writing emails, to planning trips; from putting decks together for meetings, to cooking. The need to tweak and perfect was everywhere.
Despite this wake up call, I didn’t make any real changes to my behavior for another 10 years. It was when I approached burnout at my job (which you can read more about in my Overfunctioning blog post from 2022) that I realized perfectionism was part of a dangerous trifecta; in partnership with patterns of fixing and rescuing, I was not only running myself into the ground, but disempowering my team from rising up to what they were capable of.
Over the years, I’ve come to better understand perfectionism – through personal experiences, various collaborations, and most extensively while training to be a coach. I see its damaging effects, witness how easily some of us can fall prey to it, and have experimented with practices to combat it. I’ve gained knowledge through a collection of helpful texts covering perfectionist tendencies, including one that’s given me deeper - and unexpected – insight: The Perfectionist Trap by Thomas Curran.
“The thing that I think is pushing me forward . . . it’s not a sustainable way of pushing.”
Dr. Curran’s research speaks to "multidimensional perfectionism”, detailing its three dimensions. All stem from deficit thinking: the idea that we (or others) are somehow defective or “never enough.” He builds on the work of psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett, who identify the three as:
Self-oriented perfectionism: we expect ourselves to be flawless
Other-oriented perfectionism: we place high-demands on other people
Socially prescribed perfectionism: we believe that others expect them to be perfect
I find these differentiations helpful to better recognize the various forces endured by perfectionists (either singularly or simultaneously). Further, taking the multidimensional perspective allows us to see perfectionism as a relational trait; particularly socially prescribed perfectionism since it leads individuals to vigilantly hide what they see as their flaws and masquerade as the person that they want other people to see.
Dr. Curran’s research speaks to the “hidden epidemic” of perfectionism surging over time (with younger generations being particularly susceptible). Considering the ubiquity of social media, increasingly competitive academic environments, and our “growth at all costs” economy, this trend isn’t surprising but is undoubtedly alarming.
We need to see perfectionism for what it really is. How it stems from a scarcity mindset. Perpetuates an environment where worry eclipses progress, creativity is dampened, and not making mistakes is more important than celebrating successes.
Freedom happens when we take time to unpack perfectionism in its various forms, think about how we might be subject to (or perpetuating) its forces, and come to terms with it not doing what we think it’s doing.
“We can know that what we are in this moment is good enough – if only we allow ourselves the permission to be it openly.”
To break free of perfectionism’s grip we need to accept ourselves, and others. This happens as we reframe success, failures, and flaws. I damn well know this is not easy, and is lifelong work for most of us. What’s helped me to wrangle my perfectionist tendencies is embracing experimentation, reflecting on what I’m doing well, and putting guardrails in place when I gravitate towards “bettering.” Sometimes it’s creating hard deadlines for myself, and literally saying to myself “that’s enough” as I move on. I also have daily reminders to practice self-compassion (thank you Sharon Salzberg and Dr. Kristin Neff!) and letting the compliments others offer me sink in. Collectively they make a difference.
This is where I want to grow: on my own terms.
___________
I'd love for you to stream via the thecourageeffect.com or follow/rate/share on your favorite podcast platform. You’ll find this show here on your favorite podcast platform:
And if you like what you’re hearing, I’d love for you to follow/rate/share . . . helps to spread the word and inspire more courage!
About Dr. Thomas Curran:
Dr. Thomas Curran is the world's leading expert on perfectionism. He’s a professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and author of the best-selling book The Perfection Trap. His TED Talk on perfectionism has received more than three million views, and his research has been featured in media ranging from the Harvard Business Review to New Scientist to CNN and he has appeared on numerous television and radio programs.
Read more of Suzanne’s writing on Substack sign up for her Reimagine Growth newsletter
Follow on Instagram at @wellercollaboration and @thecourageeffect
